Tuesday Words to live by

I found this in my "For Today" that I had bought when I was in Overeaters Anonymous...

The greatest hapiness you can have is knowing that you do not necessarily require happiness. - William Saroyan

Dissatisfaction was one of the hallmarks of my compulsive illness.  Few things measured up to my expectations, so I found a way to make it up to myself.  I used food to give me the illusion of happiness.

What freedom there is in giving up the chase! -- to go somewhere, do something without demanding that I be happy.  Paradoxically, it is when I go my way with an open mind, free of expectations, that I most often find my heart singing.

For Today: What do I need, if not happiness? I need the willingness to take what comes, to get out of my own way, to let go of the idea that I should feel good all the time.

This has been a reoccuring thing for me this week. Earlier this week a friend of mine put a picture on his facebook that said " What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it was supposed to be."

Also, on my Mary Engelbreit desk calander one of my favorite pieces came up..if you can't make out the words on the sign below, it reads one way "Your Life" and the way the girl isn't going "No Longer an option"

I think when the same things keep popping up in front of you like that, God is trying to get some message across, and I hear it!!! That is a 10-4 God!

Today I...

Today I...

• Washed my car.
• Resisted eating a cupcake.
• Bought an stationary exercise bike.
• Found 4 people for a hard to fill position I have open at work.
• Worked out for 2 hours! Burned 237 calories on the elliptical!
• Ran 2 miles on the elliptical.
• Did 100 crunches.
• Walked my dog's a mile.
• Kept positive.
• Drank 48 ounzes of water.
• Ate just salad for lunch.
• Ate Breakfast! *a big deal for me!*
• Went over to my sisters house and played with both of my nephews.

Not bad for a Thursday. I feel so accomplished!

Tomorrow I want to...

• Clean my kitchen/dog's area/bedroom/living room
• Put together my ab roller
• Do 2 hours on my new bike
• Figure out how to get my bike to work....
• Cook something new
• Find low-sodium balsamic vinageratte and low sodium canned soup.

:) Have a GREAT FRIDAY!!!!! :)

I'm growing.

I'm starting to see that the body that I abused with overeating, and over processed, greasy buttery food, that I didn't excercise is a lovely, functioning machine that hasn't ever failed me. Do I have a big butt? Yes, but I love it, for where it's taken me.

I'm starting to see that I'm not unloveable. That I have people in my life that would be upset if I left this world.  Since high school I've always felt like I wasn't enough. That no one thought that I was worthy. I always imagined that if I were to die, that no one would show up to my funeral, that no one would shed a tear.  I see how dramatic, and ridiculous that is now. 

I'm starting to see myself as a strong independent woman - when before If someone asked me what words least described me, I might say those exact same words. I've made it on my own...for 4 years this month.  For 4 years, I've managed to pay all of my bills, not kill 2 animals, and remembered to buy things like toilet paper and dog food.  I've moved up in a career that I knew nothing about, and managed to be one of the top paid staffing specialist in my company. I don't take peoples crap anymore, and I don't let people walk all over me.

I'm growing...but I'm not "grown".  Still have a lot more work ahead of me, but I've only been alive a quarter of my life.

goodbye

So I had an epiphany watching the show "Hoarding: Buried Alive"...I know, I know LAME. This lady was a puppet hoarder (can you say CREEPY!), and she used to be a very successful ventriloquist.  She bought millions of puppets hoping to one day get back into the creepy puppet biz.  Her therapist told her that her false hope was making her not live life to the fullest, her fear of letting go was holding her back.  Her therapist told her that once she lets go of that, a burden will be lifted.

I concurred.  So this week I will try my hardest to let go. No false hope for this girl. So LUCKY for you guys, you won't have to hear about this four year-old b.s. any longer!!! :) I'm moving past it.

I looked up some stuff online about it, and thought that some of you might find it helpful in letting go...

"Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances at knowing love again.
It’s helped me to change my hopes to broader terms. So instead of wanting a specific person to re-enter your life, want love and happiness—whatever that may look like.

You will know love again. You won’t spend the rest of your life alone. In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationships—if you forgive yourself, let go, and open yourself up, that is.

When you let go, you give yourself peace.

Everything about holding on is torturous. You regret, you feel ashamed and guilty, you rehash, you obsess—it’s all an exercise in suffering. The only way to feel peace is to quiet the thoughts that threaten it.

Letting go opens you up to new possibilities.

When you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to giving and receiving anything else.

If you had your arms wrapped around a huge bucket of water, you wouldn’t be able to give anything other than that bucket, or grab anything else that came your way. You might even struggle breathing because you’re clutching something so all-encompassing with so much effort.

You have to give to receive. Give love to get love, share joy to feel joy. It’s only possible if you’re open and receptive.

Recognize and replace fearful thoughts.

When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel the alternative.

You might not recognize these types of fearful thoughts because they become habitual. Some examples include: I’ll never feel loved again. I’ll always feel lonely. I am completely powerless. Replace those thoughts with: All pain passes eventually. It will be easier if I help them pass by being mindful. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it."

Get the HINT

My #1 problem.....not getting the HINT.

I think a lot of girls have the same problem.  I've even read the book "It's called a breakup because it's broken" book and I still can't seem to get the hint.  If you write him an email in the middle of the night, because you can't sleep because your thinking of him, that says "I miss you a whole lot :)", and he doesn't even respond back with a "hello", or "f you", then he probably just isn't into you.

I think our egotistical selves refuse to believe this...they refuse to believe that ANYONE could NOT be interested in YOU. Because you are the most awesome girl on the planet, and there is NO ONE like you.  It hurts your ego, so you try even that much harder.  Then after the ego leaves the picture in your head, the insecure thoughts pop in.  The "he must not like me because I'm fat", "he must not like me because I'm not popular". Whatever I feel about myself, becomes the reason that he doesn't like me.  When probably it doesn't even have to do with me, it's probably his own bullshit he has going on in his head, or insecurities he has.  I find that easy to type, but hard to personally let sink in.

My problem goes much deeper than even that though, because I think that EVERYONE HAS to like me.  And if they don't then I think it's my duty to make them like me.  It gets even more sick....I know that this isn't effective.  I'm a smart girl.  I see that the more you try to get someone to like you, the more they dislike you.  But I can't stop.  It's like a sickness.

I seriously think I need therapy.

Novel Writing...

is hard to do-o. (sing in the Grease fashion of Hopelessly Devoted).  So I'm sure that many are aware of this, but some may not be, I wrote a novel called "All is Fair". A true story of my experiences dating someone that was in Operation Iraqi Freedom.  It's a story of love, loss, and the aftermath of war and PTSD. Editors, agents, and publishers do not like this novel. Most of the regret letters that I receive are generic, "we don't want you" kind of letters...but I do get some back, especially from agents that say, we would work with this book, IF you "insert change here".  I refuse to do this.  I've come to find out that's because the story is so close to my heart. EVERYTHING is true in this story, nothing but some sly changes of names have occurred...for instance my ex-fiance's last name is Fisher, and in the story his last name is Basser...get it....fish...bass...anyway...I decided to start writing a new novel, this time Fiction, which is surprisingly MUCH easier to write. 

I'm super excited about this endeavor.  I've decided that after I get this book done (I'm shooting for next year), I would make it an E-Story and put a chapter a day on this blog (or maybe create another blog especially for that story.  So far I just have my getcha line to interest publishers (which may change since it still is in draft mode). This story is influenced by my experiences in life, but does not describe in any way my feelings. I created this story from my love of the idea of God's Tapestry, which I heard from somebody, somewhere.  God's Tapestry is the idea that God is the weaver of our lives.  Our lives being the beautiful tapestry.  We only see the back of this loom that looks like a big knotted mess with different color rows that seem to be making no sense.  But God sees the front side as he works, it's all coming together for Him, and he ultimately knows what the final picture of our lives will be. If we start trying to correct things or try to make sense of things from our side, we will mess up the big picture.  We should only trust God and his decision for our lives (Tapestry), no matter how bad we think he's screwing things up in hopes that the bigger picture makes sense and is the best life for us.

So my story is about a fraught wife, and mother of 3 who despises the hand she was dealt in life, and gets the chance to see how things would have been had certain events never happened.

Crossing my fingers that this is more "readable" than my last book attempt.

Come to my window

"I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take
Just to reach you"

-Melissa Etheridge "Come To My Window"

It's been almost 4 years since he was mine, and I still have to fight off the urges to pick up my phone and call him. It's hard. When I have good news, I want to call him. When I'm having a bad day, I want to call him. And more than anything when I think of a shared memory I want to call him....

But it's almost like he's a drug. Something that would be gratifying in that instant, but then cause turmoil the next minute, and even more heartache the next day. Not to quote another song, but it's kind of like "make it hurt so good". I have to resist if I don't want to be disappointed and heartbroken the second I click the END button.

Sometimes Love don't feel like it should.....make it hurt so good.