goodbye

So I had an epiphany watching the show "Hoarding: Buried Alive"...I know, I know LAME. This lady was a puppet hoarder (can you say CREEPY!), and she used to be a very successful ventriloquist.  She bought millions of puppets hoping to one day get back into the creepy puppet biz.  Her therapist told her that her false hope was making her not live life to the fullest, her fear of letting go was holding her back.  Her therapist told her that once she lets go of that, a burden will be lifted.

I concurred.  So this week I will try my hardest to let go. No false hope for this girl. So LUCKY for you guys, you won't have to hear about this four year-old b.s. any longer!!! :) I'm moving past it.

I looked up some stuff online about it, and thought that some of you might find it helpful in letting go...

"Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances at knowing love again.
It’s helped me to change my hopes to broader terms. So instead of wanting a specific person to re-enter your life, want love and happiness—whatever that may look like.

You will know love again. You won’t spend the rest of your life alone. In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationships—if you forgive yourself, let go, and open yourself up, that is.

When you let go, you give yourself peace.

Everything about holding on is torturous. You regret, you feel ashamed and guilty, you rehash, you obsess—it’s all an exercise in suffering. The only way to feel peace is to quiet the thoughts that threaten it.

Letting go opens you up to new possibilities.

When you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to giving and receiving anything else.

If you had your arms wrapped around a huge bucket of water, you wouldn’t be able to give anything other than that bucket, or grab anything else that came your way. You might even struggle breathing because you’re clutching something so all-encompassing with so much effort.

You have to give to receive. Give love to get love, share joy to feel joy. It’s only possible if you’re open and receptive.

Recognize and replace fearful thoughts.

When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. Love wants for the other person’s happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel the alternative.

You might not recognize these types of fearful thoughts because they become habitual. Some examples include: I’ll never feel loved again. I’ll always feel lonely. I am completely powerless. Replace those thoughts with: All pain passes eventually. It will be easier if I help them pass by being mindful. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it."

Get the HINT

My #1 problem.....not getting the HINT.

I think a lot of girls have the same problem.  I've even read the book "It's called a breakup because it's broken" book and I still can't seem to get the hint.  If you write him an email in the middle of the night, because you can't sleep because your thinking of him, that says "I miss you a whole lot :)", and he doesn't even respond back with a "hello", or "f you", then he probably just isn't into you.

I think our egotistical selves refuse to believe this...they refuse to believe that ANYONE could NOT be interested in YOU. Because you are the most awesome girl on the planet, and there is NO ONE like you.  It hurts your ego, so you try even that much harder.  Then after the ego leaves the picture in your head, the insecure thoughts pop in.  The "he must not like me because I'm fat", "he must not like me because I'm not popular". Whatever I feel about myself, becomes the reason that he doesn't like me.  When probably it doesn't even have to do with me, it's probably his own bullshit he has going on in his head, or insecurities he has.  I find that easy to type, but hard to personally let sink in.

My problem goes much deeper than even that though, because I think that EVERYONE HAS to like me.  And if they don't then I think it's my duty to make them like me.  It gets even more sick....I know that this isn't effective.  I'm a smart girl.  I see that the more you try to get someone to like you, the more they dislike you.  But I can't stop.  It's like a sickness.

I seriously think I need therapy.

Novel Writing...

is hard to do-o. (sing in the Grease fashion of Hopelessly Devoted).  So I'm sure that many are aware of this, but some may not be, I wrote a novel called "All is Fair". A true story of my experiences dating someone that was in Operation Iraqi Freedom.  It's a story of love, loss, and the aftermath of war and PTSD. Editors, agents, and publishers do not like this novel. Most of the regret letters that I receive are generic, "we don't want you" kind of letters...but I do get some back, especially from agents that say, we would work with this book, IF you "insert change here".  I refuse to do this.  I've come to find out that's because the story is so close to my heart. EVERYTHING is true in this story, nothing but some sly changes of names have occurred...for instance my ex-fiance's last name is Fisher, and in the story his last name is Basser...get it....fish...bass...anyway...I decided to start writing a new novel, this time Fiction, which is surprisingly MUCH easier to write. 

I'm super excited about this endeavor.  I've decided that after I get this book done (I'm shooting for next year), I would make it an E-Story and put a chapter a day on this blog (or maybe create another blog especially for that story.  So far I just have my getcha line to interest publishers (which may change since it still is in draft mode). This story is influenced by my experiences in life, but does not describe in any way my feelings. I created this story from my love of the idea of God's Tapestry, which I heard from somebody, somewhere.  God's Tapestry is the idea that God is the weaver of our lives.  Our lives being the beautiful tapestry.  We only see the back of this loom that looks like a big knotted mess with different color rows that seem to be making no sense.  But God sees the front side as he works, it's all coming together for Him, and he ultimately knows what the final picture of our lives will be. If we start trying to correct things or try to make sense of things from our side, we will mess up the big picture.  We should only trust God and his decision for our lives (Tapestry), no matter how bad we think he's screwing things up in hopes that the bigger picture makes sense and is the best life for us.

So my story is about a fraught wife, and mother of 3 who despises the hand she was dealt in life, and gets the chance to see how things would have been had certain events never happened.

Crossing my fingers that this is more "readable" than my last book attempt.

Come to my window

"I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take
Just to reach you"

-Melissa Etheridge "Come To My Window"

It's been almost 4 years since he was mine, and I still have to fight off the urges to pick up my phone and call him. It's hard. When I have good news, I want to call him. When I'm having a bad day, I want to call him. And more than anything when I think of a shared memory I want to call him....

But it's almost like he's a drug. Something that would be gratifying in that instant, but then cause turmoil the next minute, and even more heartache the next day. Not to quote another song, but it's kind of like "make it hurt so good". I have to resist if I don't want to be disappointed and heartbroken the second I click the END button.

Sometimes Love don't feel like it should.....make it hurt so good.

Newness

I had yet ANOTHER Harry Potter dream and this is after I went cold-turkey on everything HP related.  This dream was kind of like the HP Lego game that I bought ( I know, I know, my DORK is showing).  Me (I somehow in this dream was Harry) and Ron were fighting off dementors, and one came and knocked off his head.  In my dream I kept thinking , "This is way too violent for children to be seeing".

In other non-HarryPotter news....

• I decided NOT to call Mr. Aisle 12, a little too smooth for my liking.
• I bought a 50" flat screen TV. My coworker joked with me asking if I was trying to lure in a man by building a man cave....didn't think of that, but now that she mentions it.....
• My cell phone finally bit the dust, and I am temporarily using a phone that looks like it was manufactured in 1998. New phone coming in 17! days!
• I bought a dining room table at Ikea, with the help of my sister reupholstered the chairs with grey/white fabric, bought a yellow/grey painting of New York and hung it up, and created a centerpiece.  Pictures to come soon (as soon as my new phone comes!)

Words to live by

This week's "Words to live by" are short and sweet, and hopefully true.

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

-Khalil Gibran

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Enough to fry my brain out.  Where do I want to live? Who do I want to be? What happens if Plan A never happens? What is Plan B? and most importantly, Who am I?

The 'Who am I?' question scares me the most.  I don't know who I am.  I know who I want to be though, and so I'm focusing on that.